Communication Etiquette: Active Listening Skills

Listening is just as important (many would argue even more important) than speaking - but only if you know how to listen correctly. There's a big difference between hearing someone speak and actually listening to what they say.

If you are a good, active listener, you do these things:

1. Reserve judgment
It is hard to truly listen to what someone is saying if you are too busy passing judgment on the person, their views, their language, their look or anything else. Try your hardest to understand what the person is trying to say before formulating all of your arguments against them.

2. Focus your attention on the speaker
Stop what you are doing when someone is speaking to you. That might mean you have to close your laptop and turn the TV down or off. Make eye contact and focus on what the speaker is saying.

3. Give visual responses
Just because you aren't the one talking, doesn't mean you shouldn't be involved in the conversation. Speak with your body language. Physically positioning yourself facing the speaker is a sign that you are focused on them. Leaning towards the speaker also shows interest. And of course, make eye contact and nod your head when appropriate.

4. Encourage with verbal cues
Show that you are listening and understanding by adding short verbal cues like, "uh-huh," "yes," "right," "I see." The point of active listening is to show the speaker that you understand what they are saying.

English Language: Build Your Vocabulary with Word Games - Let's build a list of the best on the net!

People always write to me saying that they have trouble finding the right words and knowing what to say in certain situations. The answer to these worries is simply to build your vocabulary. No one likes to hear that answer because it immediately brings up images of memorizing word lists and staring in the dictionary. But learning new words doesn't have to be that boring.

There are so many fun word games out there. You don't have to do crossword puzzles in pen; you can find plenty of games online that match your proficiency level and interest.

If you subscribe to my newsletter, then you know that my favorite word game online is at www.freerice.com I like this site because as you play, you also support a great cause. You'll be given a word and four possible definitions. For every word you match with the correct definition, Freerice.com will donate 20 grains of rice through the UN World Food Program to feed hungry people around the world. It gets pretty addicting, and it feels good to see the piles of rice adding up! If you go to the options tab before you start playing, you can choose to remember your best vocabulary level and the total amount of rice you've earned. Then every time you come back you can continue where you left off.

I'm always interested in finding new word games. Do you know of any great sites on the net? Do you have any favorite games? Leave a link in the comments so we can all go check them out. I'll feature my favorite in my next newsletter. Have fun!

Public Speaking: Just do it!

For some reason a lot of people think that being able to speak in public is a natural talent. People always say to me, "It's easy for you. You're a natural speaker!" To which I reply, "Says who?" I entered my first public speaking competition when I was 12 years old, and I've been learning and practicing ever since. I really hope that I've shown some improvement in my public speaking style over the past 16 years!

Just because I started earlier doesn't mean my path has been any easier. I've completely blanked out in the middle of my speech. I've tripped. I've spilled water on myself. I've sweat excessively. My hands have shaken so hard I've knocked my visuals over (this was before PowerPoint). I've mispronounced words. I've said ridiculously stupid things and tried to cover them up with a smile. You name it and it's happened to me. The point is, you learn your lessons through experience, and you get better every time.

Anyone can become a good public speaker, but like everything else in life, it takes some work. It's easy to make excuses and let fear get the best of you. The people that go out there, take a chance and make an effort are the ones that will succeed in public speaking. You can't get better at something if you don't start trying.

The first step to improving your public speaking style and overcoming your fear is to just go out there and do it. Volunteer to speak at every opportunity. Clubs and associations are always looking for speakers for their meetings. Volunteer to do the speaking at work when your team needs to present the findings of the latest report. Or just start with your child's career day at school.

Think of every speaking opportunity as a learning opportunity. Set realistic expectations and don't be too hard on yourself. Have a friend or colleague critique you, and choose two or three things you would like to work on before your next talk. Take small steps and with time you'll suddenly notice what great leaps you've made since you started.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and make your mark on the world!

Speech Training: Improve Your Pronunciation with Tongue Twisters

Everyone thinks I'm crazy when I tell them to practice tongue twisters to improve their pronunciation and articulation, but it really does help! Tongue twisters help to strengthen the muscles necessary for proper speech while you practice the correct placement of your tongue, lips and teeth.

When you practice tongue twisters, don't just mumble through them. Really focus on your articulation. Start slowly at first and as you feel more comfortable speed up. Try watching yourself in the mirror to see the shape of your mouth and where you are placing your tongue.

Here are some of my favorite tongue twisters. You can also check out the new gadget I added in the right sidebar that will show a new tongue twister every day. (Don't ask me why the picture isn't showing correctly. I'm lucky I was able to figure out how to install the gadget!)

i & ee
I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

s & sh
Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.

l & r
Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow lorry.
There are four pilots on the flight deck.
River Valley Road
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

th, d & t
Lesser leather never weathered, wetter weather better.
Thank the other three brothers on their father's mother's brother's side.
I’m thinking of 3,333 things.
Tim, the thin twin tinsmith.

p & b
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Want more? A great database of tongue twisters in several languages can be found here:
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8136/tonguetwisters.html

Related article:
3 Fun and Easy Ways to Improve Your Pronunciation

Speech Training: English Word Stress

As if we weren't stressed enough, now we have to think about how our words are stressed too! Word stress is a very important part of the English language and varies among different types of English. If you flip back and forth between CNN and BBC you'll notice the differences in word stress in words like controversy (US) and controversy (UK), laboratory (US) and laboratory (UK) and many others.

Normally non-native English speakers are much better at understanding the different varieties of English word stress. It's the native speakers that have issues with it. If you are speaking to a native-English speaker from a different country (or sometimes just a different region of the same country) than you, it will help to be familiar with their word stress to avoid misunderstandings.

Here's a quick quiz on "standard" English word stress. See if you can pronounce the sentences correctly on the first try. Then scroll down for the answers. I've chosen words that are pronounced the same in both US and UK English so it doesn't get too complicated! For a more in-depth discussion of word stress, follow the article links following the quiz.

Enjoy!

1. The farm was used to produce produce.
2. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
3. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
4. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
5. I did not object to the object.
6. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
7. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.


Here are the answers:
1. The farm was used to produce produce.
2. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
3. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.*
4. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
5. I did not object to the object.
6. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
7. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

*If you have trouble remembering the difference between spelling desert (n. hot and barren landscape, v. to run away from, leave) and dessert (n. yummy treat, usually including chocolate), my mom taught me a great trick when I was little: "We always want more dessert, so we add an extra s!"

Confused about word stress? Review these related articles:
Word Stress: Does it really matter?
Word Stress in 2-Syllable Words

Communication Etiquette: Using Names

I think it must be a prerequisite for hairdressers to be great talkers and have fantastic interpersonal skills. They aren't just in the business of cutting hair, but also building relationships. If I don't like my hairdresser, I probably won't go back.

I went to a new hairdresser today on a friend's recommendation and he was a pleasure to talk to. Other than having a million and one "chit chat topics" up his sleeve, the one thing I really noticed right from the start was that he addressed me by name. "So Heather, what would you like to do today?" "Well you know, Heather I think coloring hair is an art form." "Did you know Heather, you can win $8 million in TOTO today?!"

Some people argue that you can use a person's name too much, and that can definitely be true, but for my hairdresser it came so naturally that I never once questioned his sincerity. When it comes down to it, we all like to hear our own names. When this new hairdresser used my name it made me feel special - like he was going to remember not just my hair, but also me.

There are other benefits to using a person's name when you speak to him/her. For one, if it's someone you just met you are more likely to remember the name. Also, it shows that you are making an effort to connect with the person. You've taken the time to not just remember the name, but also use it.

This tactic can backfire however. Make sure you use the correct name! If you're in doubt, ask!

Speech Training: What is "correct" pronunciation?

What is correct pronunciation? I've asked myself this question so many times while designing my programs, and participants in my programs ask it even more.

Yesterday, I received 938LIVE's English@Work e-newsletter (938LIVE is a talk-radio station here in Singapore that supports the "Speak Good English" campaign). They were also asking this question and their answer was "any pronunciation used by careful speakers and recorded in dictionaries, like the Cambridge English Pronouncing Dictionary." At face value, this seems like a pretty decent definition - if you happen to come from the US (lucky me!) or UK; the Cambridge Pronouncing Dictionary only covers the most common and acceptable pronunciations for these two countries.

What the dictionary doesn't cover are all of the absolutely acceptable regional variations of the English language. What about Australian English accents? And what about here in Singapore? Is there a Singaporean dictionary that outlines the correct pronunciation for the English spoken here? Adam Brown, David Deterding and Low Ee Ling (among others) have done fantastic research into the Singapore English Dialect, and have recorded many of the pronunciation rules for this variety. Yes, there are "rules" that people generally follow here. Are we to say that since these rules aren't recorded in a formal dictionary, they are "wrong?"

When people ask me what "correct" pronunciation is, I continue to have the same answer: it depends. It depends on where you are in the world, who you are speaking with and where that person comes from. Pronunciation is learned by listening to the people around you. You copy what you hear. So if your teachers pronounced the word success as "sus-sess," that's probably the way you pronounce it. Just as I pronounce the same word as "suk-sess" because that's how people around me pronounced it. Is one better or more "correct" than the other? Not in their relative regions. My American accent is no more correct here in Singapore than the Singaporean accent would be in America.

The current debates about pronunciation arise because our world is becoming increasingly small. When we speak across borders our regional varieties begin to cross and suddenly there are misunderstandings. We all need to work to speak slowly and clearly. We need to articulate our words from start to finish (see my earlier post on word endings), sharpen our consonants and get serious about our speech instead of lazily mumbling through our conversations. It wouldn't hurt to learn some of the differences in vocabulary in different parts of the world too.

What we don't all need to do is adopt an American or British accent. What a boring world that would be to listen to!

Related references:
938LIVE English @ Work newsletter:
http://938live.sg/MCR/938Live/Common/Channel%20Info/eNewsletter/English@Work/Issue119(6August).htm
Books:
Brown, Singapore English in a Nutshell (my personal favorite on SG English)
Low & Brown, English in Singapore: An Introduction
David Deterding, Singapore English

Public Speaking: Visual Aids

Since the advent of PowerPoint, visual aids have become a larger and larger part of public presentations. "Slides" have practically outranked "speech" and it seems like a lot of people are putting more effort into impressing people with their visuals than with their voices. Visual aids are just that - aids. You are the main attraction.

Here are some general pointers for PowerPoint slides:

• Use images wherever they can replace words
• Keep the slides simple and neat - don't overdo the text
• The font size should be at least 28pt (I try not to go smaller than 32)
• Use contrasting colors (black text on white background or vice versa)
• Do not use too many colors or too much of one color (overusing red makes it lose its impact)
• Print out a notes page of one of your slides. Put it on the floor at your feet. If you can't easily read it when you look down at it, there is too much content and your font is too small.
• Don't overdo animation - keep their focus on you

And remember, PowerPoint isn't the only kind of visual aid. Don't discount a row of flip charts that you can write on (largely), white boards, magic tricks or anything else you can think of that can add a bit of fun to your talk.

Speech Training: Have You Lost Your Word Endings?

In daily conversation we can get very lazy. We speak quickly, cut off the ends of our words and end up pushing our words together. For example, when is the last time you said, "How are you doing?" Most likely you said, "Howyadoin'?" Sometimes it just takes too much energy to speak properly!

When it comes to word endings, the most common omissions are "ed," "ing" and "s." It is especially important that you remember to articulate "ed" and "s" endings because they are also grammatical markers. "Ed" marks the simple past tense and "s" identifies either plural nouns or third person singular verbs (see my recent post on subject/verb agreement). If you don't pronounce these endings it sounds like you are, at worst, making simple English grammar mistakes, and at best, like you're linguistically lazy and don't pay attention to detail.

Have you ever heard the rule "Write the way you speak?" Well, I think the opposite is also true. "Speak the way you write." You would never write, "I walk down the street," when you meant "walked." Articulate the entire word and you will be a lot easier to understand and will make a much better professional impression.

Public Speaking: What to wear?

When you stand in front of an audience, remember that people aren't just listening to your words, but are also checking you out. They are taking in the whole picture - your words, your voice and your physical appearance - and are then making judgements about you and your message. This is why the outfit you choose to wear to a speaking event is so important.

If you're ever wondering if this is true, just test the theory. When I was over 7 months pregnant I spoke at a conference. For my 45-minute talk I was wearing fantastic high heels. As soon as I left the stage I went back to the speaker's room and changed into my "granny loafers." At one of the breaks during the day one of the participants came up to me and asked what I did with my shoes. They notice everything!

I always take the following 3 Ps into consideration before grabbing any old thing out of my closet.

People
Who is your audience? CEOs? You should probably be wearing your best suit. A group of parents at a PTA meeting? You can probably be fairly casual.

Also, how many people will be there? In front of really large audiences, wear something that will stand out. For men, that might mean a red tie or colored shirt. For women, a colorful scarf or jacket will do the trick.

Place
Whether you are speaking at an outdoor stadium in front of thousands, a 5-star hotel ballroom or your company's boardroom, you should always be wearing something appropriate for the place.

When speaking in foreign lands, make sure you know what is culturally appropriate. There are thousands of stories of deals gone bad because people haven't done their homework and have offended the local audience.

Purpose
Why are you speaking? Are you running a day of training for a small group of professionals? Business casual attire might be formal enough. Are you being called in as an expert in your field for an annual industry conference? You might want to step things up a notch and wear a suit.

Besides the 3 Ps, I have some general rules that I always adhere to when I speak. You may think some of them are outdated or too formal, but like my mom always told me, "You can never be too formal!" Your image will not suffer from being slightly formal, but could shatter from being more informal than the situation dictates.

• Clothing should be clean and ironed
• Skirts should not end above the knee
• Wear closed shoes (no sandals or slingbacks)
• Always dress one notch more formal than the audience
• Wear nylons (even I compromise on this one in ridiculously humid climates like Singapore)
• Avoid overdoing accessories, especially things that make noise
• Make sure your pockets are empty and you don't have coins or other things jingling around
• For women planning on using clip-on mics: avoid wearing a dress- it isn't very comfortable clipping the transmitter on the back of your bra!

Who knew there was so much to think about when getting dressed! You might want to pick out your outfit the night before so that you won't be rushed the morning of your big event.

Communication Etiquette: Top Ten Telephone Tips

I can't stress it enough - the image you present over the phone is just as important as the image you present when you stand in front of someone. Here are my top ten telephoning tips for clear and considerate communication.

T alk slowly (see my earlier post: Slow Down!)
E nunciate (speak clearly, articulate)
L isten actively to the caller
E mpathize with the caller
P ick up the phone quickly (2-3 rings is appropriate)
H ave a good attitude
O ffer your services or help
N ote down important information
E nd on a positive note
S mile!

English Language: Subject/Verb Agreement

If you missed this day in English class, here's a quick review. It is absolutely imperative that you memorize this table. I hear so many people make the mistake of saying "He work" or "She have." These are very basic mistakes. Even if you speak rather fluently, if you make these mistakes, your listener will question your level of education, wonder if you lack attention to detail or are just lazy when it comes to language.

Keep things simple. Focus on what's called the 3rd person singular (he/she/it). You'll notice that everything else is the same!

I: am - have - do - work
you: are - have - do - work
he/she/it: is - has - does - works

we: are - have - do - work
they: are - have - do - work
you (plural): are - have - do - work

Public Speaking: Who's Your Audience?

You will always feel more uncomfortable speaking in front of people you don't know than people you do know - it's just human nature! Strangers can be a lot more intimidating because you just don't know what to expect. So why not learn as much as you can about your audience before you begin?

How many people are you talking to?
First of all, how many people will be in your audience? Visualize the size of the audience, where you will stand and how you will interact with them. What will their seating arrangement be like? Will they be at a boardroom table, in a large auditorium, at numerous circular tables, or in rows? Keep these things in mind when you design your visuals and plan interactive activities.

What are the demographics of your group?
Keep your content relevant to the demographics of your group. How old are the people in your audience? Are they mostly men or women? What are their ethnic backrounds? Your material should be as fine-tuned to this audience as possible so that they find your talk relevant, up-to-date, interesting and educational.

How do you get this information?
Many speakers send a pre-talk questionairre to the event organizer or corporation with all the information they would like to know before the talk. Don't be afraid to do this. Organizers are happy to see that you are customizing your talk to their group. If your speaking at a meeting at work it's a little bit easier to think about audience factors since you probably know your colleagues fairly well.

Related article: The Top 5 Things to Know about Your Audience - Before You Give Your Talk!

Public Speaking: Confident Posture

Did you know that it only takes about 3 seconds for people to pass judgement on you when they meet you? There are tons of different non-verbal factors that come into play here (I'll keep you guessing and save them for future posts). The factor I'd like to look at today is your posture.

Remember that people judge you from the minute they see you, not the minute you step on stage or to the front of the boardroom. Begin preparing yourself for your talk before you enter the room you'll be speaking in.

Push your shoulders back, raise your chin, pull in that belly and stick out that chest. It's amazing how when you look confident you also feel more confident. Enter the room like you own the place. You have every right to be there. Everyone who is there is there because they want to hear what you have to say. Your thoughts and words are important. Your posture should also show that!

In addition, proper posture will help you with your breathing and voice projection during your talk. By standing up straight with your chin slightly higher than horizontal you are actually opening up your airway. This is important for voice projection since your voice travels on your exhaling breath. You need to be able to take a nice deep breath and use your diaphragm to push that air out again.

Speech Training: Slow Down!

It is common sense, really; the faster you speak, the harder it is for your listener to understand. The easiest way to instantly increase the clarity of your speech is to simply slow down.

As you speed up, you make compromises in your articulation. You cut off the ends of words and shove words together. Sentences also run together, making complete thoughts hard for a listener to decipher.

When speaking in public, audiences generally prefer a speaking rate of around 200 words per minute. Casual conversations and meetings with individuals one-on-one are generally much faster. A rule of thumb: the more formal the presentation (and the larger the audience), the slower your speaking rate should be.

A client of mine once said after listening to someone speaking at the proper rate, “But it would just be PAINFUL for me to speak that slowly.” “Good,” I said, “It should be painful at first. Otherwise you’re still speaking too fast!”

That said, be careful your rate doesn’t end up being too slow. You could sound tired, bored or as if you’re speaking in a condescending manner to your audience.

Category Codes - How this system works...

Basically, I'll be sending out a short twitter feed each day (Monday-Friday) with a speaking tip. Follow the twitter feed here: www.twitter.com/speakingtips The speaking tip will be preceded by a code for one of 4 categories: ST= Speech Training, EL= English Language CE= Communication Etiquette, and PS= Public Speaking. If the short twitter feed interests you, visit this blog for more information and a longer posting. You can also skip twitter and just subscribe to this blog - it's up to you! I hope you enjoy the tips and can get something out of this site! Please feel free to leave comments and questions too! I'd love to hear your take on these topics!

Free Daily Speaking Tips!

Hi everyone! The idea for this blog came from a new service I'm offering through twitter - free daily speaking tips covering how to speak clearly, correctly, considerately and confidently. Twitter is cool because you can receive my daily tips in short text message style so you don't feel overwhelmed with a longer post or article. Twitter isn't so cool because it's really hard to explain more complicated topics in 140 characters (including spaces!), but I guess that's my problem, not yours! Anyway, I decided to create a blog in conjunction with my twitter updates so if there's a tip you'd like to know more about, you can come get the details here. Good idea? If you don't use twitter, don't like twitter, don't "get" twitter or whatever, subscribe to my blog and you can get the tips that way - they'll just be a bit long-winded. :-) Here's the link to follow my twitter posts: www.twitter.com/speakingtips